Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
