I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover