I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it's like iHOP with fire
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.