So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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