Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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