I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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