Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
