I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
