If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she peed on how many people?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
