This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just found a bag of teeth...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
