When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
