She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
