can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
