One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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