my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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