I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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