Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
