i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i came on her dog
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
