i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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