I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
