My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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