The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
