it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am spending my child support on dildos
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
