omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
