Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
