im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
