I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
