did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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