oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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