I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
