so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
