Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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