she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
