East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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