I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
