I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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