Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
