Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
