I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
