I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
