I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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