video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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