So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
