I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
