Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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