I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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