You can't special order awesome
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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