Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
barbara walters just said penis...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
