I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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