I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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