someone threw a dead crab at me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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