If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so explain again why im purple
no
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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