and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
