just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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