Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
